I have a secret confession. I have a guilty secret (and its not the fact I like Abba). I spend way too much time on my personal Facebook. I spend way too much time defending my position on Brexit, Vaccinations and animals. Although I believe passionately in my opinions in this area, in reality this is really counterproductive. Does it improve my career? Business? Family life? Education? Close friends? Social life? No. Not at all. All it does is score points, and at what cost? The expense of your results.
This is not a criticism of Facebook, that is a really useful tool. Rather it is an observation on how we act. I am putting more energy into point scoring, or “right-fighting” than into the things that are important to me, like helping people find their voice, or spending time with my family. Be honest, I am not the only one.
This is because right-fighting feels very comforting, it makes our subconscious feel empowered. It lets us fool ourselves into thinking we have been heard. The reality is quite different. At best it depletes our energy and at worse in can cause conflict and make you feel very isolated.
What did I do to beat the right-fighting?
I listened. I empathised. I tried to understand. I then parked it and got on with my life and the reason I could do this was that I shifted my focus back onto what is important and that is results or outcomes.
These debates may have won me points, but these points were useless, a vanity project. A booby prize. Instead I focus on my true prize, getting results in my life.
It’s not just on Facebook, that such right fighting causes such harm, it is also within your relationships. This is because you are using a toxic form of communication, and if you use poison language you gain poisoned results.
So if your communication seems toxic, your relationships combative and your results shallow…could it be you are investing too much energy in right fighting?
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